JAMES: What can I get?! I”m not even qualified for manual labor. (reading down column) carpenter… dishwasher… mechanic… septic waste removal – they won”t even hire me. The only place I know I can get a job is where Frigo”s working. I”m “O” for twenty-two. I majored in comparative literature and Renaissance studies. Unless someone needs help restoring a fresco, I”m screwed!More Monologues from “Adventureland”RelatedShareTweetPin
JOEL: James. I”m not good-looking. And I”m poor. With all these yuppies around, women aren”t gonna go near a poor guy. I know you think you”re really deprived because you didn”t go to Europe this summer. But you went to a better school than me, you don”t have to pay rent to your parents, you”re going off to Columbia f -ing University. So, Margaret Mead, you”re stuck with us low-lifes for one summer, but you get to leave. I don”t even know if you even appreciate what you have?! I mean, you”re chasing after Lisa P.?! When Em”s right there! This incredible, beautiful person is right f -ing there! I mean, I can”t watch it… I can”t be around it anymore… That”s why I quit. I can”t be around you two anymore. I feel like a… hypocrite. F – this. F – everything.More Monologues from “Adventureland”RelatedShareTweetPin
The purpose of the Dred Scott decision is to make property and nothing but property of the Negro in all States of the Union. It is the old issue of human rights versus property rights. It is the eternal struggle between two principles: the one, the common right of humanity, the other, the divine right of kings. It is the same spirit which says, “You toil and work and earn bread and I’ll eat it.” As a nation, we began by declaring all men are created equal. There was no mention of any exception to that rule in the Declaration of Independence. But we now practically read it ‘all men are created equal except Negroes.’ If we are to accept this doctrine of race or class discrimination, what is to stop us in the future from decreeing ‘all men are created equal except Negroes, foreigners, Catholics, Jews,’ or just ‘poor people’? That is the conclusion towards which the advocates of slavery are driving us. ‘Let each State mind its own business,’ says Judge Douglas. ‘Why stir up trouble?’ This is the complacent policy of indifference to evil, and that policy I cannot but hate. I hate it because of the monstrous injustice of slavery itself. I hate it because it deprives our Republic of its just influence in the world, enables the enemies of free institutions everywhere to taunt us as hypocrites, causes the real friends of freedom to doubt our sincerity, and especially because it forces so many good men among ourselves into an open war with the very fundamentals of civil liberty, denying the good faith of the Declaration of Independence and insisting that there is no right principle of action but self interest. In his final words tonight, the Judge said that we can be the terror of the world. I don’t think we want to be that. I think we would prefer to be the encouragement of the world – the proof that at last, man is worthy to be free. But we shall provide no such encouragement unless we can establish our ability as a nation to live and grow, and we shall surely do neither if these States fail to remain united. There can be no distinction in the definition of liberty as between one section and another, one class and another, one race and another. A house divided itself cannot stand. This government cannot endure permanently half slave and half free.
PETE O”MALLEY: Hey, Lisa. We”re partners today. So, it”s official. My friend Boomer”s hooking me up a job at the Mercedes dealership on Jericho Turnpike. I”m totally psyched. I get a car right away. Way under list price, payments deducted from my check. I”m gonna go for a 560, convertible, in gold, with leather interior, all the options. I”m even gonna get a compact disc player. Gonna be insane. So, hey, Lise – you wanna go see Judas Priest at Nassau Coliseum? My friend Fitzy can get me floor seats.More Monologues from “Adventureland”RelatedShareTweetPin
RAY NICHOLS: Hey, Warren, how do you feel about these young punks taking over our jobs? They shoved me out the door three years ago. Looks like some kind of conspiracy to me! (Everyone laughs affectionately. Ray stands) Now I”ve known Warren here probably longer than most of you have been alive. Warren and I go way back, waaaaaay back to the horse and buggy days at Mutual. But that”s ancient history. We were good friends not only at work but also out on the golf course and on fishing trips up at my cabin in Minnesota. And what I want to say to you publicly, Warren, so that all these young hotshots can hear, is that the gold watch there doesn”t mean a god – thing.And this dinner doesn”t mean a god – thing, and the social security and pension don”t mean a god – thing. None of these super-fishy-alities mean a god – thing. What means something, what really means something, Warren… (Ray takes a dramatic, drunken pause) What really means something is the knowledge that you devoted your entire life to something meaningful – to being productive and working for a fine company – hell, one of the biggest insurance carriers in the nation… (Ray counts on his fingers and at one point counts the same finger twice) …to raising a fine family, to building a fine home, to being respected by your community and having some wonderful, loyal friendships.At the end of his career, if a man can look back and say, “I did it. I did my job,” he can retire in peace and glory and enjoy riches far beyond the monetary kind. So all you young people here, here”s a role model. Right here. I want you to take a good look at a very rich man.More Monologues from “About Schmidt”RelatedShareTweetPin
And this dinner doesn”t mean a god – thing, and the social security and pension don”t mean a god – thing. None of these super-fishy-alities mean a god – thing. What means something, what really means something, Warren… (Ray takes a dramatic, drunken pause) What really means something is the knowledge that you devoted your entire life to something meaningful – to being productive and working for a fine company – hell, one of the biggest insurance carriers in the nation… (Ray counts on his fingers and at one point counts the same finger twice) …to raising a fine family, to building a fine home, to being respected by your community and having some wonderful, loyal friendships.At the end of his career, if a man can look back and say, “I did it. I did my job,” he can retire in peace and glory and enjoy riches far beyond the monetary kind. So all you young people here, here”s a role model. Right here. I want you to take a good look at a very rich man.More Monologues from “About Schmidt”RelatedShareTweetPin
At the end of his career, if a man can look back and say, “I did it. I did my job,” he can retire in peace and glory and enjoy riches far beyond the monetary kind. So all you young people here, here”s a role model. Right here. I want you to take a good look at a very rich man.More Monologues from “About Schmidt”RelatedShareTweetPin
TIRED-LOOKING GUY: If you have half a brain, the job”s easy. Unbearably, soul-crushingly dull. But easy. The night shift is f -ing awful. It”s a f -ing stake through your brain. But after one a.m., it pay”s double-time. Why else would I do it? Okay… (sorting some papers) F -… It”s amazing how many of these f -ing Ivy League grads can”t write a single coherent sentence. I read this stuff – – it”s like what a lunatic might write on an asylum wall with his turd. You sure you want this job? Okay. F – it. Let”s get started.More Monologues from “Adventureland”RelatedShareTweetPin
You already know how famously they get along as friends, but did you know that their sex life is positively white hot? The main reason both of my marriages failed was sexual. I’m an extremely sexual person, I can’t help it, it just how I’m wired, you know, even when I was a little girl. I had my first orgasm when I was 6 in ballet class. Anyway, the point is that I have been always very easily aroused and very orgasmic, Jeannie and I have a lot in common that way. Clifford and Larry, they were nice guys, but they just could not keep up with me. Anyway, I don’t want to betray Jeannie’s confidence, but let me just assure you that whatever problems those two kids may run into along the way, they will always be able to count on what happens between the sheets to keep them together. More soup?
Why are you crying? But I believe you. I do. Please, don’t you leave me too. Oh no. Oh my God, O sweet Lady, don’t leave me. Please, please don’t leave me. I’ll be good. I won’t be your bad baby anymore. Mummy, I don’t want to go with you. Stop pulling me. Your hands are hot. Don’t touch me like that! Oh my God, Mummy, don’t burn me. Don’t burn me! I stood by the window of my room every night for a week. And one night I heard the most beautiful voice imaginable. It came from the middle of the wheat field beyond my room, and when I looked I saw the moon shining down on Him. For six nights He sang to me. Songs I’d never heard. And on the seventh night He came to my room and opened His wings and lay on top of me. And all the while He sang.
ROBERTA: Larry is like a little boy. Ever since our divorce, he thinks the only way he can get my attention is to cause a fuss. I understand it. I do. I feel sorry for him. I just… My first husband was the same way.It lasted nineteen months. He turned into a real horse”s ass.But I”m sure things will be different for Jeannie and Randall. Now Randall – he really knows how to treat a woman. Honestly, don”t you think Randall is something special?You know, when I had my hysterectomy, that boy did not leave my side for one minute. Not one minute. People used to raise their eyebrows because I nursed him until he was almost five, but I think the results speak for themselves. I raised a very sensitive, devoted boy who has turned into a sensitive, devoted man. And he”s also quite easy on the eye, if I do say so myself. Don”t you agree?More Monologues from “About Schmidt”RelatedShareTweetPin
It lasted nineteen months. He turned into a real horse”s ass.But I”m sure things will be different for Jeannie and Randall. Now Randall – he really knows how to treat a woman. Honestly, don”t you think Randall is something special?You know, when I had my hysterectomy, that boy did not leave my side for one minute. Not one minute. People used to raise their eyebrows because I nursed him until he was almost five, but I think the results speak for themselves. I raised a very sensitive, devoted boy who has turned into a sensitive, devoted man. And he”s also quite easy on the eye, if I do say so myself. Don”t you agree?More Monologues from “About Schmidt”RelatedShareTweetPin
But I”m sure things will be different for Jeannie and Randall. Now Randall – he really knows how to treat a woman. Honestly, don”t you think Randall is something special?You know, when I had my hysterectomy, that boy did not leave my side for one minute. Not one minute. People used to raise their eyebrows because I nursed him until he was almost five, but I think the results speak for themselves. I raised a very sensitive, devoted boy who has turned into a sensitive, devoted man. And he”s also quite easy on the eye, if I do say so myself. Don”t you agree?More Monologues from “About Schmidt”RelatedShareTweetPin
You know, when I had my hysterectomy, that boy did not leave my side for one minute. Not one minute. People used to raise their eyebrows because I nursed him until he was almost five, but I think the results speak for themselves. I raised a very sensitive, devoted boy who has turned into a sensitive, devoted man. And he”s also quite easy on the eye, if I do say so myself. Don”t you agree?More Monologues from “About Schmidt”RelatedShareTweetPin
ROBERTA: Don”t lie to me. Jeannie told us all about your little panic attack last night. And I don”t blame you. It”s a perfectly natural reaction. In the beginning I had my own reservations. After all, as the veteran of two failed marriages, I have learned a lot about what works and does not work between two people. And knowing what I know, and having seen the kids together much more than you have, I can tell you they are in very good shape. They have a very healthy relationship – spiritually, emotionally and physically. I”m not sure how much Jeannie has really told you about her relationship with Randall – I understand she was closer with her mother. But Jeannie and I have grown very close. She confides in me. And, well, you already know how famously they get along as friends. But what you may not know is that their intimate life is positively white hot.The principal reason that both my marriages failed was physical. I am an extremely sexual person. I can”t help it – that”s just how I”m wired. Even when I was a little girl. Most people find this hard to believe, but I had my first org – when I was six. In ballet class.Anyway, suffice it to say I”ve always been very easily aroused, and Jeannie and I have a lot in common that way. The point is that neither Cliff nor Larry could keep up with me. As much as I tried to understand it and as much as I valued the companionship, it became an insurmountable problem. Now I don”t want to betray Jeannie”s confidence, but I can assure you that she and Randall are not going to run into those kinds of difficulties. They may have other problems along the way, but they will always have their sexual life to fall back on. More soup?More Monologues from “About Schmidt”RelatedShareTweetPin
The principal reason that both my marriages failed was physical. I am an extremely sexual person. I can”t help it – that”s just how I”m wired. Even when I was a little girl. Most people find this hard to believe, but I had my first org – when I was six. In ballet class.Anyway, suffice it to say I”ve always been very easily aroused, and Jeannie and I have a lot in common that way. The point is that neither Cliff nor Larry could keep up with me. As much as I tried to understand it and as much as I valued the companionship, it became an insurmountable problem. Now I don”t want to betray Jeannie”s confidence, but I can assure you that she and Randall are not going to run into those kinds of difficulties. They may have other problems along the way, but they will always have their sexual life to fall back on. More soup?More Monologues from “About Schmidt”RelatedShareTweetPin
Anyway, suffice it to say I”ve always been very easily aroused, and Jeannie and I have a lot in common that way. The point is that neither Cliff nor Larry could keep up with me. As much as I tried to understand it and as much as I valued the companionship, it became an insurmountable problem. Now I don”t want to betray Jeannie”s confidence, but I can assure you that she and Randall are not going to run into those kinds of difficulties. They may have other problems along the way, but they will always have their sexual life to fall back on. More soup?More Monologues from “About Schmidt”RelatedShareTweetPin