5 Best Joe Monologues – Opening Monologue

The Columnist (Joe)

Category: Play Role: Joe From: The Columnist

JOE: F – Moscow! I don”t care about Moscow! You did your worst there and you didn”t lay a glove on me. Do you know what I did with those ridiculous photographs those thugs who came to my door showed me? I took them straight to oue ambassador. Then I went to the FBI, and the State Department. I said, Here it is. Here”s what I”ve done. Here”s what I am. If my career”s to end, I want you to end it, not those depraved blackmailing psychopaths over there. And they didn”t end it. And that is the difference between my country and yours. You see? And then you tried again – don”t think I don”t know you scattered your photographic filth around Washington a few years ago, trying to frighten me, shame me before my enemies and friends.But I will not be silenced and I will not be shamed. I know how to handle you people. Christ, you disgust me. You think you”ve got us beat. You think you”ve got us on the run in Vietnam, you”ve got our youth running riot in the streets, naked and stoned out of their minds, you think you”re winning Well, not while I”m around, thank you very much. If you think I won”t go absolutely to the limit to defend what I hold dear you don”t know me very well, and you don”t know this country very well.Study the history! You thought you had us fixed with Cuba, but JFK, a better man by far than any your country has ever produced, outfoxed you, God bless his soul, and then after Dallas you probably thought you”d caught another break – maybe you were involved with Dallas – I scoffed at that at the time but now I”m not so sure – and you surely thought LBJ, the big dumb cowboy, would go easy on you, but I bucked him up, by God, I stiffened his spine, and even if he”s not man enough to finish the job, somebody else will. Nixon will, he will burn you bastards out of the jungles and we will win there, there and everywhere. God knows what miserable filthy tricks you”ll stoop to next, but we will match you stunt for stunt and we will win. So f – Moscow, and f – you, sir. F -. You.RelatedShareTweetPin

But I will not be silenced and I will not be shamed. I know how to handle you people. Christ, you disgust me. You think you”ve got us beat. You think you”ve got us on the run in Vietnam, you”ve got our youth running riot in the streets, naked and stoned out of their minds, you think you”re winning Well, not while I”m around, thank you very much. If you think I won”t go absolutely to the limit to defend what I hold dear you don”t know me very well, and you don”t know this country very well.Study the history! You thought you had us fixed with Cuba, but JFK, a better man by far than any your country has ever produced, outfoxed you, God bless his soul, and then after Dallas you probably thought you”d caught another break – maybe you were involved with Dallas – I scoffed at that at the time but now I”m not so sure – and you surely thought LBJ, the big dumb cowboy, would go easy on you, but I bucked him up, by God, I stiffened his spine, and even if he”s not man enough to finish the job, somebody else will. Nixon will, he will burn you bastards out of the jungles and we will win there, there and everywhere. God knows what miserable filthy tricks you”ll stoop to next, but we will match you stunt for stunt and we will win. So f – Moscow, and f – you, sir. F -. You.RelatedShareTweetPin

Study the history! You thought you had us fixed with Cuba, but JFK, a better man by far than any your country has ever produced, outfoxed you, God bless his soul, and then after Dallas you probably thought you”d caught another break – maybe you were involved with Dallas – I scoffed at that at the time but now I”m not so sure – and you surely thought LBJ, the big dumb cowboy, would go easy on you, but I bucked him up, by God, I stiffened his spine, and even if he”s not man enough to finish the job, somebody else will. Nixon will, he will burn you bastards out of the jungles and we will win there, there and everywhere. God knows what miserable filthy tricks you”ll stoop to next, but we will match you stunt for stunt and we will win. So f – Moscow, and f – you, sir. F -. You.RelatedShareTweetPin

Pretty Theft (Joe)

Category: Play Role: Joe From: Pretty Theft

Joe says

Some people get locked up and some people never do. If you try to kiss the staff they will lock you up. It is illegal. Many men in suits never go to jail. That’s because that’s because that’s because they aren’t me. They aren’t broken. They walk on the surface of the water while everyone else is stuck in traffic or your car breaks down. Their cars never break down. They are super untouchable. They get married they have wives and children because they are men that are not born broken. They are the people who are up on the big screens. They are on the TV on the radio in the newspaper because they are the chosen the good, the other people. They can kiss whoever they want or kill even. Even kill. Because they are uncatchable or they are forgivable or they are perfect. They have people lying to help them. Their mothers loved them and told them so. Their mothers helped them up the stairs. Their mothers had a lot of money and a lot of good things in their bodies that they passed on while they lived in their good homes. They were beautiful and rich and were friends with all the people you are supposed to be friends with. Like doctors who can lie for you. Like doctors who can fix you. Except they don’t need fixing. Not the super untouchable. They have legs like razors and eyes that magnetize. They are pretty. They are everything. Like Allegra. I wonder if Allegra is super untouchable.

Pictures (Joe)

Category: Play Role: Joe From: Pictures

Joe says

Discouraging? It’s immoral!

Oh, these smug people who have been taught what to admire! These unborn souls who want to shut us all up in the dark! I suppose he went away thinking I put myself up higher than Raphael.

Who are we painting for? They don’t want it -wouldn’t take it for a gift. And here we are, a poor little group, standing amazed before the glory of the sun, and painting it -for the blind!

Some day -yes, when the life has oozed out of all our bright canvasses, when only the “rules” are left. And we won’t be able to rise from our graves and curse them!

I guess I let you in for a hard time, Silvia. I wish sometimes I could really paint the kind of thing that goes with stupid people’s dining rooms.

They with their Long Island Louvres!

Pictures (Joe)

Category: Play Role: Joe From: Pictures

Joe says

Those pictures don’t give out impulses to the artist.

The impulses they do give out are only the emotions that satisfy the student who has learned some rules and then sees the rules worked out.

The artist produced the rules as a side issue, but you are trying to make the rules produce the artist. T

hat’s the difficulty when people as a whole lose the creative sense. They are satisfied with things at second-hand. Second-hand expressions of life, and second-hand philosophies to justify the expressions. It’s a kind of conspiracy in which everybody works against everybody else.

Only the few real artists in any generation break through it into the light.

American Graffiti (Joe)

Category: Movie Role: Joe From: American Graffiti

JOE: Listen, ah – Carl, I – Curt. Despite you scratching Gil”s car, I like you. And I know what you”d like more than anything right now. Like every guy in town, you got the same secret dream, right? Ya want to join the Pharaohs. Huh? You can admit it – you”d like to – but you never dreamed it could be possible, did you? Well, tonight, I”m goin” to give you your chance. Now you got three choices. One, you chicken out. In that case, I let Ants tie you to the car and drag you around a little bit. And you don”t want that, right? Two, you foul up and Holstein hears you and well, ah… you don”t want that, right? Three, you are successful and you join the Pharaohs with a carcoat, and the blood initiation and all that, huh?More Monologues from “American Graffiti”RelatedShareTweetPin