2 Best Sam Monologues

Category: Play Role: Sam From: East Haddam

Sam says

This never should have happened. Sometimes I get lonely and I miss being touched and I

make stupid choices and then I drink and I make stupid choices. This is stupider than

usual. This is betrayal. I’m the worst. Literally. This never should have happened. Can

we pretend this never happened? You’ll never speak of it. I’ll never speak of it. If

anyone asks, I never saw your birthmark and I don’t know what your smell is like or what

noises you make during sex. Okay? It never happened?

Category: Play Role: Sam From: East Haddam

Sam says

How to be alone. It’s really not that hard. You just don’t date anyone. And that makes it

easier to not accidentally get into a relationship which makes it easier to not move in with

anyone or marry them. I eat a lot of soup. I recommend that. I mean really you can

dress however you want. Shower or don’t. I used to go to the gym but I don’t do that

any more. Some days I only eat cookies. I like to read a lot. And watch a lot of TV.

And sometimes I drink tea. But you should do you. I mean that’s what it’s all about,

really. Being the person you want to be without caring about what other people think. I

have a job. I go to work. And I do my work and then I go home and then I do whatever I

want. So, really I’ve got it made.

Loneliness? Yeah. I mean. Sure. That can happen sometimes. I recommend alcohol. I

mean I guess I don’t recommend it, but I use it. What else? I have friends. I usually

shower before seeing them but it’s optional.

Also what you can do is pine after someone completely unattainable. I do that. I have

done that. I mean basically for years I’ve been doing that. What else? Did I mention

reading? I like YA Science Fiction and Fantasy but again, you do you.

Now I’m going to do a dance with a unicorn.

(A UNICORN enters. Music. SAM and the UNICORN dance. Then the dance is over.

The UNICORN exits. SAM turns to the audience.)

Any questions?